Feelings

I think many of us have a hard time feeling complete. What I mean is that feeling we all seem to search for everyday of our lives that would give us that warmth inside that allows your your mind to be calm, your heart to beat slow, your muscles to relax, and allows your eyes to see past the minor conflicts of the day.

I have not found this state yet but have had a glimpse of it from time to time. The day my first son was born it overwhelmed me. The moment I saw him I truly discovered this calmness as well as was introduced to unconditional love. Have you ever seen one of those movies where the dad takes a bullet for his child or when someone says they would stand in front of a train for the one they love? This is what I mean, it is a love that that does not allow you to think for one instance for yourself if a situation was upon you such as this. It is an action you have no control over. It becomes encoded in your DNA at the very millisecond of your child's birth.

Religion/God is what many subscribe to as the only way to become complete. I understand the line of thinking that God introduced this into us as a way to turn to him, but he also gave us the ability to think for ourselves or free will is another way of putting it. The two seem to almost contradict each other many times. So he programed us with this need in hopes we would choose him but gave us this proverbial loaded gun as well saying you have to choose for yourself as well and if you don't you will never be happy.

Take for instance another one of these paradoxes that bother me. First lets set the scene as described in the bible. God is good, perfect and allows nothing unholy in his presence. Thus a simple conclusion can come from this that God can not or will not create something unholy or evil. If we jump ahead now and God has created the earth all the animals and man. He then gave them the directive to turn the whole earth into a paradise and be fruitful and be many. Here is were the glitch comes in. God then told them you can eat from any tree but from this one tree called the tree of Good & Evil. Why Why Why did he even make this tree and then tell them no, and then allow this one called the devil to actually tempt his most wondrous creation. It just doesn't make sense.

Would you turn the stove on to it's highest setting with no apparent reason, then tell your child don't touch it or you will be burned badly, then allow another adult to trick your child into placing it's hand on the stove while you sit back and watch knowing full well your child has no experience with a stove, no concept of what hot is or a what a burn feels like, and obviously isn't mature enough to see a deception being placed on a silver platter garnished with every conceivable and luscious candy that can be imagined.

Don't take me wrong, I do believe in God and am very thankful for many of the things I have been blessed with in my life. I just don't understand why sometimes. I almost feel like it is wrong to ask why. I do enjoy that feeling you get during and after church, I do think God warns us and protects us from many pitfalls.

I must move on to another part of my thoughts because I get riled up at these internal feels of conflict over God, or is it Religion?

A feeling I do love is the one you get when you meet a beautiful girl (or the politically correct word is woman) and you feel that spark in your brain. Oh and if she actually pays attention to your either dumb ass line or forgives the fact you trip over your tongue saying your very own name.

I remember one of the first girls I liked. She was the daughter of my parents friends. Leslie was a looker to a 5 year old (not positive I was 5 but pretty close). She was fun and the best part was she liked me. I don't mean in the boyfriend girlfriend way, but in the best friends way.

I only have three memories of Leslie.

First I had fun with her, second I remember one instance of us playing together at my parents apartment. We thought we were hilarious this day. We took wads of tissues from the Kleenex box and would place them under our nose and use our upper lip to hold them in place. Kleenex mustaches we had invented for ourselves. We posed in front of the mirror showing off each others white tissue paper mustaches. Our brains were then infected with the awesome idea our parents would think it was really cool or funny what we were doing. Running to the living room to show them off we were abruptly informed what a waste we had made. Oddly enough I don't remember actually getting in trouble, just told it was a waste.

My last and final memory of Leslie was a number of years later as a teenager. My father and wicked step mother got a bug up their but to move back to Maryland where Leslie lived. By the way my dad and wicked step mother I am totally and absolutely convinced raised these moving bugs and rather enjoyed sticking them up their rears.

Well anyways I was at a JW convention (if you don't know JW is short for Jehovah's Witness and probably is the reason for much of my God/Religion confusion) and low and behold there was Leslie. She had turn into a very beautiful girl, but seemed to not notice me or remembered me. I think to my misfortune she was now old enough to only like much older boys. I will always remember Leslie.

I will end it here today, but I will tell more of my experiences with Religion/God, feelings in general, my children, and yes of girls.